Where is the support money going???

Should fathers have a say in how their support payments are spent?

Child support is a heated topic. Just mention child support and you can expect a wide range of different responses. Like politics and religion, nothing draws out anger and frustration like a conversation about child support. 

In most support cases, Dad is the payer, and Mom is the payee. Of course, there are times when the mom is the payer and the dad is the payee, yet this occurs less often. The intended purpose of child support is to help pay for a child’s expenses. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for Dad to disagree with Mom over how she spends the support payments.

Dad may consider food, clothing, and shelter as the basic necessities covered by child support. But mom may spend her child support payments on vacations, sport fees, or private school tuition. She may also make requests to increase support for activities Dad may not feel are necessary. For instance, Dad, may prefer that his child attend public school and not travel overseas until they are older. He may also understandably feel as though the costs of a vacation trip to not be considered a necessity. 

Unfortunately, courts often remain silent on how mothers should spend their payments. Some Dads think Moms should provide itemized receipts. A father may feel he has a right to know how the mother of his children spend child support payments. Mom may disagree and feel she can spend the payments as she feels necessary. 

An example of this occurs too often with both men and women professional athletes. Simply because a father has what appears to be a "large contract," it does not mean that the mother has to find ways to spend large amounts of money each month and now call it a "necessity."

Family law courtrooms make life-altering decisions daily and many times the decisions are not in the best interest of all involved. Therefore, mediation or a third party intervention could be in the best interest of the parents and children.  Remember the advice in the book, "Forever My Daddy: Denied" … AVOID THE COURTROOM.  Matter of fact, parents having discussions about finances before marriage and children in pre-marital counseling sessions is always recommended. Sometimes prenuptial agreements will attempt to address these concerns.

If parents cannot agree, a third-party would intervene. Do you have a child support question? Contact us today

Be aware of three actions in broken marriages that can lead to parental alienation

Three reasons ….

According to marriage statistics, nearly half of all first marriages will end in divorce while more than half of all second and third marriages fail.  Unfortunately, the victims of these separations are the children. Sometimes the children are used as pawns for they often have no voice.

The legal system decides which parent gains custody. The custodial parent wields the power and will often decide where the children will live and even what clothing they will wear.  Non-custodial parents become part-time parents and unfortunately often have limited visitation rights.

If a divorce is amicable, parents will compromise and work together to raise their children. However, problems often occur when marriages end badly.  In many custody hearings, parents treat the courtroom like a battlefield.  Both parties will hire attorneys and sling mud at each other like seasoned politicians.

Again, instead of co-parenting, some parents use their children as pawns to alienate the other parent.  A parent may try to alienate a child by:   

1. Making negative comments about the other parent: For instance, a parent might say, “Sorry Billy, daddy is not going to pick you up this weekend because his fishing trip is more important.” However, what the mother fails to mention is that her ex had planned the fishing trip a year ago. Billy may think his father does not care about spending time together. (This is classic!)
2. Moving away: A parent may move the child to another state or even several hours away. Limiting visits may appear as an intentional act to limit the non-custodial parent’s visitation. (This happens way too often)
3. Withholding visitation rights: Although courts establish visitation guidelines, it does not mean the custodial parent will follow the rules.  Often, a parent may withhold visitation because the other parent does not do what they want the children around the other parent's family members for whatever reason. Many times the withholding of the visitation rights are subtle with statements like, "Oh I forgot .. I had to take the children to one of their classmates birthday parties .." However, courts consider visitation and child support as separate orders.  Even if the non-custodial takes the other parent to court for contempt, the non-custodial parent may have to miss work or hire an attorney. 

Although some marriages have no hope of ending amicably, parents should always consider the welfare of their children.  Sadly, children from broken families are more likely to feel insecure, become rebellious, or even blame themselves for the divorce.  For more information about parental alienation, please contact us at FMD for more details.    

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS ARE NO LONGER STRICTLY FOR THE WEALTHY

Prenuptial Agreements: Can They Protect Future Custody Rights?

Prenuptial agreements are no longer strictly for the wealthy. Many couples are finding prenuptial agreements a helpful option for addressing many monetary issues before marriage. They are beneficial when one or both people have been divorced or have children from a previous marriage, and when one person has a substantially higher income than the other. 

In addition to ensuring monetary safety in the case of a divorce, many couples might wonder if a prenuptial agreement can protect an even more important asset-their parental rights for future children. It is not uncommon for courts to favor mothers in child custody cases, and men are often pushed from their children's lives, only getting two weekends per month and a couple of weekends in the summer to spend with their children. 

Unfortunately, there are no states in the United States that currently allow child custody issues of future children to be determined in a prenuptial agreement. The best needs of a child cannot be adequately determined before that child is born-circumstances can change so drastically in a relationship, and what may seem like the best scenario for a child in the beginning of a marriage might not be best for them ten years down the line. The courts approach child custody on a case-by-case basis, and take into account the current circumstances of each relationship. 

Nevertheless it is unfortunate that a prenuptial agreement cannot protect all of the rights of a father in case of divorce. A child needs both parents actively involved in his or her life in order to flourish and feel loved, and there are many fathers who try to provide this type of stability but are blocked or "Denied" at every turn. Courts need to understand that this hurts the child more than anyone, and fathers need to find the courage to stand up and fight against this injustice.

Forever My Daddy offers the resources and support that a loving father needs to ensure he is always a constant presence in his child's life. Please feel free to contact us to learn more about our understanding community. 

Parental Alienation Causes Irreparable Harm to Children

Parental Alienation Causes Irreparable Harm to Children

A broken marriage or partner separation should never mean a breakup with the children. Parental alienation leaves a child confused and adrift in a world that emphasizes family values, but does little to foster parent/child relationships when parents live apart. So often fathers lose custody of their children, and visitation depends on the other parent's kindness or how much money a dad can afford to pay.

The price of a child support payment means nothing when compared to the price that the child and estranged father pay by losing out on the relationship that nature intended. Children should never be pawns in a court battle; however, they are often treated as chattel by the legal system.

In the groundbreaking book, Forever My Daddy: Denied, Dr.  Michael Joyner M.D. champions the cause of the silently suffering fathers who have lost part of themselves through the actions of the court, vindictive ex-spouses, and society's indifferent and often prejudiced attitude concerning the importance of a father's influence.

FMD Denied encourages the reader to have the tough discussions that seem taboo in modern society concerning getting ready for marriage, arranging custody through pre-marital agreements, and rebuilding bridges of trust and harmony in broken families. Forever My Daddy: Denied is a great gift to a son, uncle, brother, or any man who loves his children.

Forever My Daddy: Denied is required reading for anyone who is considering starting a family as well as those in the painful throes of separation, who fear losing their parental rights. You can contact us for more information about how you can join this important dialogue and support this cause.

The Seahawks' Russell Wilson's Super Bowl Win "Yes! It's a personal victory for me."

If you know me, you may know that I have been a fan of the Seattle Seahawks since Russell Wilson joined the team.

Russell Wilson's demeanor caught my attention the day he was drafted.  I initially did not know what character traits made me read about him and follow his new NFL journey, until I heard him speak about his relationship with his father.  When I would hear him speak of his father I felt "chills" throughout my body.

The Father-Son relationship, he regularly highlights continues to strike me like a lightening bolt.  I have two sons, ages 16 and 17.  Russell Wilson and my youngest son look as if they could be identical twins.  Unfortunately, my sons and I do not have the Father-Sons' relationship that I have always dreamed about as a result of what is called Parental Alienation.

Parental Alienation is when a child is utterly brainwashed against the alienated parent.  The child demonstrates hate of the parent.  He or she demonstrates no guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent and essentially wants nothing to do with the alienated parent.  Parental alienation has been my story for nearly the lifetime of my sons.

Not only does the striking physical resemblance of my youngest son to Russell Wilson, but the confident, humble, disciplined nature of Russell Wilson reminds me of the character traits that I have always attempted and wanted to instill in my sons. These character traits remind me of both of my sons.

Again, my sons and I don't have the Father-Sons relationship that I have always hoped for and that I am available for.  Russell Wilson's father is not alive physically.  However, he is clearly alive spiritually.

The Seahawks win with Russell Wilson leading the team has been a personal victory for me.  My relationship with my sons are not physically seen now, but I do believe that deep, deep inside of them they will feel the potential relationship that is right in front of them.  I am hopeful that if my sons see more educated leaders whether in sports or business highlighting the importance of their relationship with their fathers will strike a cord and they will feel our connection. 

Thank you Russell for sharing your relationship with your father.

"Dr. J"

Michael S. Joyner, MD

Author of the book, "Forever My Daddy: Denied!"

GO HAWKS!

PRIVATE SCHOOL COSTS AND BROKEN MARRIAGES … JUST PAY, DADDY!

Fathers Beware … if you are going through a broken marriage and making arrangements for a co-parenting plan… Beware!

If you are with an attorney who would allow you to agree to paying private schools for your children … ELIMINATE THEM FROM YOUR LEGAL TEAM!  Do not agree to anything extra during your court hearings or negotiations.  The Court is not a moral battleground.  The Court does not care about you.  Once you understand this, you are one step closer to the power of self-preservation during a broken marriage..

I speak to you with no bitterness but true reality.  I am a Father of two incredible teenage sons, who do not speak to me or acknowledge me unfortunately because of the years of brainwashing from their mother.  Of course, my story is nothing new.  Many of us fathers have been through it.  And yes some mothers have been through it.  Yes.  Can you imagine that your own children who you love have been taught to hate you?  Yes the pain is unimaginable. I don’t blame my children.  I hurt for them.  They have been victims of parental alienation.

Now get this!!  Child support is paid.  However, the Court says … “you have to pay for private school” … does this make sense?  Make sure that you do not volunteer to pay for your children’s private school.  If you do, the Court will always demand and say,  “Pay for your children’s private school.”  It does not matter that you have no say in where they go.  It does not matter the price of the school.  Just pay.  It does not matter that your children do not talk to you.  You do not matter.  Just pay, Daddy!

So how did this scenario come to be?  While going through drawbacks of a broken marriage I was focused on co-parenting…. Attempting to make rationale agreements with a former spouse.  My way of thinking was that two parents who are no longer married should be able to work together.  Two people should be able to determine if a private school or public school is best for their children.  I have no problem with either.  So many factors are involved in a parent’s decision-making process.  Are the public schools in your city an option?  Can you afford the school in your area?  Well guess what? Don’t be fooled!  The Court will not take ANY of that into consideration.  You will be held accountable and treated as a criminal if you are unable to pay or don’t pay.  So beware!

Anyway … this is the beginning of the next step of the FMD Blog!!!  Stay tuned!!

My First Basketball Game Seeing My Sons

Forever My Daddy Grand Foundation

Parental Alienation Syndrome … It’s Real!

My First Basketball Game Seeing My Sons:

3 Sixty Second Intervals and a 2-Bucket Flush

This is MJ. Let me tell you about my first time seeing my sons play organized basketball.  They are 14 and 15 years of age.  They are now in 9^th and 10^th grade.

December 7, 2011

After seeing my patient in the hospital at 5 AM in Florida, knowing that he was doing well, I took a plane from Fort Lauderdale to Baltimore in order to see my sons play basketball for their high school.  I knew that this would be a quick twenty-four hour turnaround. 

I eventually made it to their gymnasium!  I was excited!

Suddenly, as I was sitting in the stands, I could not believe what I saw happening.  My youngest son was warming up with his high school freshman team.  He looked mad and upset.  I then realized that he knew that I was in the gym.

Wow! 

Despite my weekly text messages and phone calls to him and his brother that they do not respond to and despite them blocking me on Facebook I traveled to see them perform.

Wow! 

No excitement that I was at the game, only anger.  I knew that the continuous years of brainwashing of him and his brother, the scientific term being parental alienation syndrome was bad … but really? 

Then I saw a group of young high school students in the stands call for his brother across the gymnasium floor, “Joyner!”  His brother notices me, his father; then he darts out the side door of the gym.  Obviously, he was avoiding me.

Wow!

I knew that he had to get ready for his basketball game.  His basketball game was following the freshmen team.  However, for him not to say, “hello” or wave, really? 

I knew that he saw me.  I was amazed!  This Parental Alienation Syndrome is real!

60 Second-Interval

Let me now somehow explain what thoughts suddenly went through my mind during the next 60-second interval.  I had to immediately, analyze the situation in order make sure that I was not in a crazy dream.

Wow!  PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome.  I have been fighting against the desires of my sons’ mother and her family from keeping me from being the father to my two sons while being an invisible money tree since 1998.  I suddenly thought, “ After all these years, maybe she truly accomplished her mission.  My sons’ show hatred and dislike … actions that I would never teach my sons.  No! Impossible!” I thought to myself.

Ok … Let me look from 1000 feet in the air and continue to analyze this?  Let me analyze myself?  Am I missing something?  Did I do something to deserve this collective hate?  For a father to be treated like this, I had to ask myself a few questions because this does not make sense.

Was I a Criminal Dad?

            Well, I am not a criminal.  I have never been in jail and have no reason to ever think that I would.  I do not partake in any gang activity.  I think I had a parking ticket in 1986, and it was paid on time.

Was I a Deadbeat Dad?

            Well, despite what I am sure that my sons have been lead to believe, I do pay child support regularly.  I have been paying religiously since the separation and divorce of their mother and I since 1998.  Matter of fact, I spend a lot of money on my sons and I get this treatment, really?

            In such a highlighted profession, as a surgeon, one has to know that I pay child support.  You would think people around my sons would stand up for me and exclaim that it’s nearly impossible for me to be a deadbeat dad defined as a father who does not pay child support.

            The Montgomery county child support enforcement agency watches my direct deposits like a hawk!  Of course, they can find me and threaten me whenever they like, considering I have a medical license number that they can control.  I must be a movie star in their books.  Don’t fall behind in payments, for if you do then you are not only a deadbeat dad, but in the eyes of the enforcement agency you are now a criminal.  Let me tell you, it’s hard for a medical doctor to be a deadbeat dad even if they wanted to.  Child support enforcement agencies foam at the mouth at professionals with licenses that can be suspended.  Some licenses that can be suspended are medical, dental, and real estate licenses.   Of course, these are in addition to driver licenses and passport applications.

When I had robotic heart surgery in 2009 and fell behind in payments, I was a sneeze away from being called “criminal.”  I was less than 12 hours away from my driver’s license being suspended.  For when I called the child support agency to let them know that I would be late on my payments, I remember them saying, “sorry to hear about your surgery, but if we do not receive a payment by tomorrow your driver’s license will be suspended and your medical license will be next.”

Yes.  All of this was going through my mind within 60 seconds while sitting in the stands watching my sons completely disregard my presence.  I even asked myself, “Will the child support enforcement agency ever ask me if I have been able to see my sons?  Would they be interested to know that I have seen my sons three times in the past three years, despite my weekly calls and requests for them to be with me?”

“Should I again go back to court to fight for my rights as a father,” I ask myself.  Then I suddenly realize that I just made another payment to my Washington, DC lawyer.  I now only owe $48,000 from the original balance estimated to be close to $120,000 from me attempting to use the court system to help me protect my rights as a father.  I remember making a payment in 1999 when I needed an attorney in order to help me gain access to my sons for an overnight visit.  They were ages two and three at the time.  Do you think they know this or think about it while they are on the basketball court, angered that I am in the stands watching their game?  Hmmm, I doubt it.

Was I an Angry Dad?

Was I the father who is usually depicted in today’s movies and films as the dad who wears the wife beater t-shirt, drinking alcohol like a fish?

Well considering that my schedule is so demanding, I don’t have the time or energy to drink excess alcohol.  I have too many responsibilities to be slowed down.  I have no time for a hangover.  I work seven days a week and have major goals that cannot be slowed by external forces such as alcohol.

I also realize within these sixty seconds of reflection that I have never been in a fight.  It’s not my nature.  I was on the Taekwondo team in college.  I also trained in other martial arts including stick fighting.  I did partake in organized martial art exhibitions as well. 

So the wife beater alcoholic dad does not exist in this story.  Nevertheless, I still don’t know why my sons appear so angry.  Let me think and analyze even more.

Am I a horrible person?

Well for someone who may say, “Oh – Gosh –Darn”, chances are I am probably a really nice guy.  I don’t even curse.  It takes to much energy.  Matter of fact, I often wonder that I know that I am in this position as a father who wants to be a father more than anything, yet continues to be denied the ability to be a father going on year thirteen is because I am simply “too nice.”

Am I a father who just does not care?

Well, the journals and writings that I have accumulated since 1998 in order to mentally survive this nightmare of wanting to father my children while constantly being denied demonstrates to me that I am a caring father.

Despite my letters to my sons showing return to sender, emails that never made it to my sons, friend requests to them on Facebook denied, and plane tickets used to show up on past holidays such as Christmas at their house when they were no where to be found demonstrate to me that I am a father who cares.  I am sure to this day they think that I did not show up for a few Christmas Holidays and Birthdays when actually I was at their doorstep, but they were not there.

So Wow!  How can my sons be angered and so far from the truth?

The next 60 seconds

Within the next 60 seconds I think back to the year 2000. 

I thought about Curtis, my first lawyer used in order to help me enforce my rights for access to my children through the court system.  I remember how he bailed on me.  He “threw me under the bus.”  Since I owed him money the date of our court appearance, he refused to represent me.  I wondered if he would even care to know that his decision to put money over the importance of me being a father definitely impacted my relationships with my sons even to this day.

During this 60-second interval I also thought about the Montgomery County Court System and it’s family court “Master” Salant.  I remember him looking at me in the courtroom without an attorney by my side in a very judgmental manner. I was shocked.  He looked at me as if he wanted to be a doctor as a kid, therefore was upset at me for being a doctor.  I say this because he exclaimed, “Why are you in my courtroom without a lawyer?”  Yes.  My thoughts are back to Curtis.

He then says, “Dr. Joyner.  If I were injured and went to an emergency room to be treated, I would not attempt to treat myself.”  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this example or one similar from a judge or attorney.  At that moment, I really wanted to exclaim, “Persons working in healthcare will see an emergency patient in need without asking for a retainer fee.  Just ask the gun shot wound victim on an operating room table at your local trauma center.”  I wanted to add, “And how dare you give me non essential rhetoric when I could be spending this time with my sons. Can we move forward please?”

Well, I didn’t say any of that and as I sit in the basketball stands in a cloud of reflection, I wondered if the so called Master in Family court would even care to know that his negligent non caring attitude about my desire to have continuous quality time with my sons added to this day in the stands watching my sons appear angered that I was watching their basketball game.

The third 60-second Interval

Yes. The billion-dollar divorce industry continues to promote parental alienation syndrome.  Look at my sons and my bank account.

Over the next 60-second interval, I think about my poor bank account.  The thousands and thousands of dollars I send monthly to a child support enforcement agency that does not care if I spend time with my sons or not.  The monthly check is what’s important.  Think about the compound interest on that money over the past 12 years! 

In addition to the monthly child support check, I suddenly think about the monthly payments I make for my sons private school tuition.  Wow!  I feel so unappreciated.

I am sure that they have no idea that I am the person paying for their school that they play basketball for.

I also realized while sitting in the stands the incredible amount of money (money that I don’t really have) that I send monthly for my sons between child support, an amount I use to live on for years, along with their school tuition is more than my mother, their grandmother, receives as her monthly retirement check.  She was a schoolteacher for the Los Angeles and Inglewood Unified School district for over thirty-five years.  Wow!  And my sons aren’t talking to me?  Really?

Do not let me get started about the cost of the plane ticket and rental car needed to get to the basketball game that my sons refuse to acknowledge me at.  Maybe I should have used this travel money in order to get a plumber to show up at my barely a one bedroom apartment in order to fix the commode.  Pouring two buckets of water in the back of the toilet in order for it to flush gets old.  Do you think my sons understand how I withstand a 2-bucket flush in order to see them play basketball?  I doubt it.

The Game Started

My three sixty-second intervals ended and the game started.

I take a deep breath, sit back and watch.

Wow!  I am watching my son.  He made two fouls early on in the game.  Therefore, he had to sit on the bench the remaining part of the first quarter.  It was obvious that he was playing with emotional anger.  Of course, as a father this was hard to watch.  I decided to leave the gym.  I then went to my rental car.  I wanted my son to relax and play his game.

After again reflecting on the entire situation and making a few phone calls including one to my mother, their grandmother, I finalized my decision.  I am going to enjoy watching my sons play basketball.  Therefore, I dash back to the gymnasium and eliminate the thoughts of leaving. I don’t really know what untrue stories about me are being told to my sons, nevertheless, they will know that their father loves them and is at their game!

My son eventually looked relaxed on the court.  He played an incredible game.  I was a proud father despite the unwelcomed atmosphere.

A college friend showed up to the game.  I asked him to stop by after work to see my sons play.  When he showed up I became even more relaxed.  I began to enjoy the moment.  I was enjoying being the father that I am to my two sons.

My good friend would laugh when I would tell him the memories I had of my sons when they were ages 3 and 4.  You could tell that they are my offspring.  Plus, it was my opportunity to boast, they’ve “got game” just like their daddy. LOL

I was living a dream, the dream to be the father that I am.

Just prior to my college friend had to leave, the mother of my sons showed up to the game.  She immediately saw me when she walked into the gymnasium.  She walked directly towards me.  Of course, I say, “Hello.  How are you?”  She then firmly states, “I need to talk to you.  The boys called me at work extremely upset that you showed up to their basketball game.”

“Yes. They seemed upset.” I said.  At this moment, I suddenly daydream hoping for the impossible.  Maybe she would tell me how she responded to my sons saying,  “That’s great that your father is there to see your games.  Did you say hello to him?”

I enter back into reality when I hear her exclaim, “I had to leave my job early to come down here. The boys were almost in tears.”  I then say to myself.  This woman has to be exaggerating.  She has to be kidding me.  My sons would not be “almost in tears’ simply because their father was at their basketball game. 

So I nicely say to her in regards to me sitting in the stands of my sons’ basketball games at the private school that I pay thousands of dollars for them to attend, “The boys will get over it.” I then question, “I do not understand why me watching my sons play basketball is a problem?” She then exclaims, “You don’t get it!” She then stormed off into the crowd.  I guess I do get it.  I am witnessing Parental Alienation Syndrome at its worse.

Afterwards, I sat back and continued to admire and enjoy my sons’ basketball game.  Both boys are amazing!  They are fun to watch.  I am here and have always been here for them.  I know that the development of a relationship with my sons along with breaking the patterns of Parental Alienation Syndrome is a marathon not a sprint.  Well, I hope everyone understands that I am not going away!

My passion for Forever My Daddy Grand Foundation only strengthens after experiences as described.  No father deserves to go through what I have been going through. No grandparent should go through the pain of watching their son go through similar PAS experiences.

Spread the word!

Fathers cannot be stopped!

MJ